الأربعاء، 20 فبراير، 2013

Kitchens

The war, in my view, was supposed to be black and white, I fight two disgusting monsters, pray for perhaps the whole of this fair country, because it had invaded town...
We pray for black and white...

Heaven is beautiful, Hell is horrible.



But, J.R.R Tolkien, wrote that Mordor (Hell)...will seethe through, into our minds, create arguments, mad wishes, bad mistakes...(Children of Hurin)...holiest peoples were destroyed, from the inside...


It had to be black and white enough to let me go...

It's there...
it's always been muddy...

What could I overthrow?

I kept clean, there were moments, when the voices and the haters, could get through to me...I was resting in bed, weeping on sofas, anything It could catch me with, scenes on televisions, people passing me in the streets...I never used to look up, I watch the pavements as I walked, they were see-ing through my eyes...this went on for probably, two years...I went through getting a diploma, in a fight against Satan...I had to play ping-pong, at a gallery show, when the Arab girl that bought my painting...(painted on wood in 30 minutes, yellow back ground, had painted orange swirls, spray painted bits of red, a black image of a man with a moustache and a twirly beard, blowing smoke made from my hand swirls...I wanted 45 for it and told her, I was happy, I wasn't thinking, she ended paying me 20 pounds etc. because I couldn't think about being good enough to give her my first price...then I saw it behind her, shook my head, my mouth falling open....the thing was trying to get to her bottom...) even when I got to Tajweed and fell in Love with that, it could get me, on a train, it could bring such a darkness inside a crowd of people boarding a train...So, I went a little wrong, a little sinful, I wanted to dream about sex in class, ...then I cried each time, in front of the Hafez, I failed the exams twice, I couldn't even read, in the exam, 0 % Tajwid, A half-mark 50 % for theory....


I knew it was men, in magic... I knew the men's names...


I couldn't talk to my kids in Heaven, because I wasn't well...I tried to call people to pray, and then I got into fights with the people to pray....each and every evening on the train I would talk and joke and cruel...also on free days, at the house...slamming doors, walking round and round the garden....

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