I went shopping crazy on Friday, instead ...I bought, black/to/grey/dark blue all type of trousers, some that looked designer; from clearance sales and charity shops, black jumpers, dark long sleeved tops, two pairs of shoes, cheap purple slip-ons, and black lace-up boots from an expensive shop, two silk pashminas, make-up and earrings...I wrapped the pashmina round my head, and pinned it...I heard a boy say:
"Muhammed would want you for a wife!"
I laughed, and said:
"Does He watch every white woman that has just joined Islam...?"
And when he saw me wear a beard, he giggled;
"You are a lady!"
For homework, I did some designs, I got an idea of designing a mosque, there has only been one female mosque designer that has had a building put up, Her name (which I mushed up at the induction in college, I got very nervous in my voice though I felt cool) is Zayneh, Fe...I like my ideas, I think they are feminine and very different, they would have soul...I just like the sketching, and the idea, of dreaming...I put on my Mum's old black woollen coat, that has dirty dusty sleeves, and is a bit too short, it goes over my huge shoulders, and my bent neck, because I always walked looking down, as I was growing up, and avoiding, hurt? so now I'm hunch-backed...
I put on make-up, and walked around feeling proud, trying to call someone to take my vow, then I went 'vital' ; I stalked across the kitchen in my boots, past a man, as though I was an assassin, then span round over a girl that pees her pants and throws TV's around, like; too close, I danced in a circle, over her and kind of; rolled my head over her, to look at twice in the roll, and whisper; I said; "And my granny was a dancer..." and she laughed...then I heard a man...
"Father, I will marry her..." I didn't see him, I said; I don't want the pirate;
"I am already married!"
I went to a barbecue at another rehab, on Thursday... I sat on the leather chairs, in the headscarf, and freaked about the men in the house, this got me calling every jew, especially the IDF, to fight the perverts, we were on call, there was one upstairs, I could tell that...I'm terrible in men, I wrote some popular pop songs playing, I can write that's what power I have in God; I wrote to Islam...I call Hell-fire, well, every day. its. unfair. its. gross.they dont leave...two monsters, to suffer...
When I decided to go to mosque alone, I wore purple because it is the colour of Holy Lover's eyes, Rabbi eyes...there was no comments and everything with the staff was cool, so I left two hours early to get a coffee, and arrive at the biggest mosque, at, afternoon prayer time, Friday...two Muslim girls sat with me, on the long journey, separately, the first one, made me giggle and giggle, and I was puking out the window, with my face pressed against the glass...I hid behind a tree, on a bench next to two tramps, to smoke a cigarette...funky, funky!!
I found the mosque, and went walking, because I was early...I found a Muslim high street, and went into the grocers, the men were smelly, I wanted something I wouldn't have to cook, that was different, I picked up banana cream biscuits, then I found a packet of 'edible gum', I didn't know if I had to cook it, or mix it with something, or just chew on it...
I went to the mosque because I had ten minutes before ASR...I stopped a car, there was a woman inside, excuse me? is this for women too? she said she had just dropped her children off, -something-for school...
"Where are you from?" "I will tell you something stupid..."
"England..." In Arabic; "I am from a heathen place, I don't want you to know where, because they made me dead..."
"Where did you learn..." "I learnt from Heaven..."
"Well...I...I....I.went to Israel...("does it matter? I study with Heaven...I was 16...") It doesn't matter!! Thank you..."
Then I walked off to the gate, roaring:
"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THIS WHEN YOU AREN'T THERE??? YOU DO NOT HELP ME!!!!! YOU DO NOT TELL ME GOD!!! CALL NANNY!!! SOMEONE!! I NEED THIS!!!'
I could see myself, my face turned sickly green and dark brown and my eyes grew large and black...the lady, drove backwards, and stopped at the curb again;
"Go through the back entrance." ...thank you!!!!!!!!
I walk downstairs and sat on the steps, the mosque, it wasn't, designed it was just built by the council, and it wasn't at all special...I saw two teenage boys nearly, in a tiny room, got worried, started crying and ran back outside again...then I went into the main entrance...you are supposed to enter right foot first, and say a prayer for Muhammed's family...I said;
"Help mine..." (WUDU downstairs) I thought that meant women, I sat on the chair entrance, to calm, and pray, then I saw, the colour of demons in the doorway, I saw the dull black colour that contains funny marks that distinguish it from God's black anger, and I saw it on each soul...I didn't want to call my family, I only wanted to call God, I said many things, worry, who I wanted to pray for, would this be success? what would I have to do? and a white and blue line flew down into my mind, she said:
"Be cool...don't worry, (at that I stopped listening...) this is paradise, you will find heathen, and you will congratulate him,...
" you will find my paradise is yours" ...seem like a meek...this house is fire...they are meek... you will weep..."
"Keep your covenant..." tonight you will die...they will weep...when you die, weep...I weep..."
"Go in..." Louis, go white...you want light..you want to weep, weep light... Louis! I am weeping!! FIRE!!! YOU WILL FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!! Only WEEP!!
So...here...I do not listen...I died...the shelves contained dirty flip-flops; "OK, so they're poor! I'm putting my boots in my bag!!"
I walked downstairs, the first sight was a chunky man with his trousers pulled over the knees, coming out of an open door of a bathroom, I screamed, "This dirty man is fat and hairy, he thinks he is funky!! He is sick!!" I looked through the door, I saw many mats, and over the mats rolled clothing, something shocking; I thought they were women, women that were giving men bed...when a man appeared with two children, I screamed, "These children!! They look at me Heathen!!! They are dead, you have brought these dead children to YOUR SICK!!!" he screamed too;
"THE WOMEN'S SECTION IS UPSTAIRS!!!"
I ran upstairs...it was empty...I wanted to meet a woman, I sat in the very far corner, by the window...I wanted to rush out of the window when I heard a man start to whisper, I listened to him for half an hour, I was angry;
"This is no way to call God, and I know he will hear horrible rubbish from me, please take this magic!! take it away!!!!!!!!! I hate itttttt!" But i sad, that, monotone, almost like silence... I went to the baclcony to see who was there and I was scared, I felt sick, I heard sick outside the door, so I put my face to the floor three times, and I wondered what whitemen felt about divans and houris, and I made sick, just by hearing and shouted HOURI mean't WIFE!! The man whispered Houri mean't wife, I didn't know what to think of his soul...he wouldn't stop whispering, and he heard me sigh, he was somewhere else, I looked over the balcony, and saw three young men, one sitting very relaxed, later, i heard fires downstairs...I prayed for Mannie, to be, in, TRUTH...I cried...I could see the colour and the voice of the devil, I thought it was because the mosque guests were being cursed, I thought they were all odd, even the children..
"Louis...there is a ghost in here, it is called Sul...it writes demons, it wants you to fall...they hear demons...someone made a demon...it was S(a)ul...fly away from saul...they are downstairs the men who fight..." "I kill demon, I see you, you saw the Heaven, and you were sure there is something there, there is something there, I'm sure...it is something they fair...they fair darkness....this mosque is unfair, the 2nd mosque is fair, there are women there...you will meet a girl, you will meet 5 girls...the women there are fair, will take you home...prepare for LOVE...this woman you seek, she is girl...you will murder, murder Heathen...you are singer I want singer, I want murder...you are cleaner...you clean the Light...every man who walked in felt light...there was a devil making them unclean, you think you dream? It was a little them...leave with haste! We have entered condemned!! They see you, they will condemnd!! Louis! I kill the devils!!! Men!!"
then she said:
"I love you"
I could hear the children outside, and something sick...This is me, this is something I did a long time ago, you unfair, unfair, always look what you did...please forgive...it's sick, sick!! I heard an old man cry...he started weeping, because I said it was the demon in him...
"I've killed another man...I don't know Allah, I am God dead..."
I forgot what I heard outside the door, and the man arrived with the book...at this point I was moaning at my family...and at the same time I could speak the Surah, it was my moan!!! A jumble of words, and this spanish; E cosa!!/because YOU!!...
the whole Surah, Arabic Shakespeare!! moans and moans!!! I spoke to Arabic girls, I clicked my finger for girls in the area, I found five, lesbians! I sang the Sura, and I said, to them, "I marry an uncle...his name (Allllllaaaaaaahhhh is one...etc) MADRAS!"
the men sang back, I sang with them!!
I stayed there for two hours, checked time, close to my medication time, and left walking like a chimpanzee down the stairs, screaming that I could see the door open into the toilet, as the men came in for friday night prayer, I screamed again...I didn't play my music on the bus, because I was in big souls...this is my VOW!!...the jewish guy opposite singing important stuff, about extremism, didn't see me, didn't like me, I tried 'greet David'...I heard; 'then greet the Rabbi'...didn't get love...I said; Oh...
The VOW, made the sky return...soul feeling...whole...I had to get home...I sat on a bench, I walked and played the musci to Arcade Fire-Funeral...and; I had to;
cuddle my wife in her sleep...
I went into the garden, something told me, go upstairs
I said: I say gay men in there, I said they were bowing gay butt!!! I HATE THIS I HATE THEM!!!
I said, that, and I died, I burnt in a ball of flame, I did feel the fire, and I was shocked, and not surprised; she woke up, I said, tell the babies I won't be back...I failed something important, this was I see, a very important Vow, this was LAW, this was even different to being aroudn the jewish...I said; to God, then take away the soul lights, and I'm blinking my eyes and I can't see light, but you can't hear me, because I'm fires...I'm very ill...I've been so sick, demon-men, we were killed...be reasonable, understand, make it stop, tell them I joined Islam but did something sick...just a thought...