I was sooooo in love...in love with the chinese guy...I saw him dressed in black at my schoolfriends house...
His Mummy drove us to a party, and said;
"You are soooooo pretty..." I was wearing a little mascara, and I was shocked...
he arrived a house party one day...
I was smoking cannabis regularly...
He was so very tall; 6'4...big nosed...half cast...very tall...so dark he looked Indian...
We hosted parties every Friday night...it was me, that invited every kid, every guy I saw, to come round our HOUSE...
He was the sickest thing...grabbing his crotch...eating messy takeaways...dribbling the food around his mouth...i thought it was comedy...
He talked...about wars and about music...he had handsome dark eyes...
"What do you think of this?? You haven't got an opinion..." I wanted him, I wanted him
I wanted to get closer to God...I wanted to kiss him, he called me Buddha girl, he'd follow me into the garden, where I sat thinking and smoking...he would visit in the day time while my boyfriend was at work...he would give me looks, I said; I love you, I love you...
He wouldn't wash...I said;
'Let him stay here...let him shower...' I cook, but I don't eat, I give him my plate of foo, noodles, sweet sour, eat chinese I like chinese...
He
hates Oriental girls...'We would walk the streets, drive round in his car...he got into my favourite band, he played guitar like a King, it would sooth me, it was played through love, his love was sick, he would practice, but when it arrived in the HOUSE, it became fuller....the guitar killed me...it was always the guitar, I hated drummers, give me guitar forever...' What do think of that girl, what do you think of her?? I say, I don't look...I love you..'
Things started to get spooky I was getting too stoned...I wanted to leave the house...there was a book with a swastika left neatly in the doorway of the spare room by the hallway...I started to turn...
I wanted him, and wanted him, He liked PJ, he liked PJ Harvey's face
The parties were high, I began unable to cope, got pissed and fell into bed at ten...I tired one line of coke, he hated drugs...and there was a smoke machine in the back room, with bright UV lights spinning round...the girls said;
If you want him! God!!
"Susie Boobs, Susannah Boobalah!! Hey my little boobalah!!" I'd holler as I ran down the stairs, "Welcome to my party!! Girls I Love you!!" said; He's sick, if she wants him we're dead...(my sister) Why do you tell her he is HIS?? He is fucking sick!!!!!!!!' They didn't tell me...I began to have nightmares about the white men that visited the house, like, 'Hey have you got a fiver, for this cocaine...?' The paratrooper, was my hangout guy, he'd get in early from working the bins, and we'd watch films, and share joints...the paratrooper hit a boy in northern Ireland with his rifle butt...I went insanely Irish, I swore I was the little Irish horse they wanted dead, the 'filly'...I was bossy, hysterical, he arrived one day, wearing I lvoe Ireland, t-shirt, he was never clean, he stank, but he talked, and he talked..
I began to dream, when he played me a Nick Drake album, I cried and cried at every song, I wanted him to look, we hung around for hours, I was thought he was sure too...I wanted to kiss...
I kept reading white power sites...I kept thinking...We can go...we can run away from the white men in this house and we can have God!!I said, we could go to the family, meet your sister and parents, and get married!!! He said;
'The chinese hate jews...'
you say she is boobalah, and she is a slag, you say boobalah, yiddish bitch, and you tihkn you made it up, her boobs are slag...'My mum is chinese, and she hates jews...' So, I said;
'Then you love jews...'
He said; 'Mum says
your blood is I am coolies, from the paddy fields...'
I said; 'Then, she is a little crazy...'
One day, we went to the canal...it was the brightest day I have ever seen, the sun was so magical, it was like a pink pathway to the water, the grass was greener, the day was cool...we walked past white girls, who seemed to agree with what I wanted, magical love, I had one little joint, we sat on the banks of the canal, the feeling got higher and higher, his hair
turned dark blue with light blue highlights
...I tried touching his hair, he whacked me like a fly and groaned get off...IT WAS ANGEL'S LOVE!!
After the canal, he took me to a resturant, I was soooooooo dead...I watched the family beside us, and cried to them for help, I was in tears because he kept shouting,
EAT THE FISH EAT THE FISH...the family, looked like angels, they looked at me, and shone with light,
I began dribbling, and crying and crying, I couldn't hold my love, and I cried,
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU...I said;
I was the soul of Chinese, 'You are the man who killed me dead...' I see a chinese girl in my soul, and I need love...
We pay for the food with vouchers, a seedy looking man covered in tattoos and grease, smiles at me from the corner...I begin to see everything in dead...I no longer have control, and my free will was given up long ago, I looked at him like a muslim brother...but, he is bringing stranger men to the house...and my boyfriend is nuts, he is downloading Nazi bands, so I tell the chinese boy, we will be dead...I said I liked the band, but I didn't know why, he is right to call me a bitch..."But I hate this man and I think he hurt, I want you to leave, you must leave in this band...I am nay far right, I am a liar..."
I had to get out of the house, I am madly in Love with him...'the white men will kill us dead, if they find out about us, we are dead!!!'they were going to kill both of us for being in Love, because he was Asian...and now he had a cheap car, we could fly...I tried to wake him up at night, he swore, we could go, ready to go anywhere...that was the night I sat in the car and broke down...;
When I came back, from the mental hospital, I wne tback to my boyfriend, because I didn't know what else to do, I tyed myself to him like a husband, but I hated him, I would never eat, smoke his bags of weed, listen to him moan and then give me another bag before he went to work, and watch him eat...
I began to see, I hated the chinese boy for looking at PJ Harvey, he was wanking her, and she was mine!!!!! I saw me back in death, so I stayed in my bed...
to be continued
WHAT HAPPENED, IN THE HOUSE, THE NIGHT I LEFT...
2003; We have become corrupt. The children are called, Love, King and Him. Love is Gold skin, King is a purple child...Him is so bright, he looks light blue, but this blue is higher love, the colour shines so bright, it can kill the soul...Any man who looks into that light, kills himself. It is Allah souls.
2003; I am soul. It takes five years to realise the truth. A car is parked outside, it looks like it belongs to an acquaintance of mine. I'm in the garden. I have planted the car there three hours before. I have been wide awake and smoking marijuana for five days. Time spins out of control. I cry I am pregnant, I keep sweeping the entrance to the back door, I vomit all over the doorpost. Cars are spinning round and round the front of the house, I can see only white women in the car, shouting and pleading with me to leave. I have been see-ing images in the bedroom curtains, a heavily pregnant Egyptian woman. I have been in bed for months. I look out of the window, and see myself, dressed in her black and lilac waterproof jacket. The night before I sit in the car in the alley, with the keys, crying and smoking a joint, the car is full of buttons in the dashboard, I have found a gold watch, the hands of the watch spin backwards, so fast that I drop it and it smashes on the ground. The car is my time machine, it's my HG Wells. I think of the hairy men underground I think of the stupid blondes in the forests. I am the time traveller, the book reminds me of the wars. I leave the car.
I've fallen on the ground in the hallway. I'm having hideous visions. Now; I can hear a girl dying, I begin to pray, I go to the garden because of the noise in the house. I always keep my prayer quiet, sometimes I wear a doppa. I realise the girl is me;
"The Goyim, the goyim..." (On Planet Emelbert, Matishi's are being killed by an evil government known as the Goy-im.) There are three men in the house.
I remember the silver car. I'm shoeless, I have with me a little pink and white rucksack, I open the passenger door. There is a Chinese-Russian looking man in the car. I call him Buddha, I'm hysterical, I can't speak any kind of language, I jump up and down like a monkey trying to communicate with the radio, I switch it on and off. He is patient, he smiles. I call him 'Buddha.' He has deep watery brown eyes and a clean clear round face.
I'm in my parents garden, I'm working magic. I've planted myself as a man in the car, I follow my visions, I say yes, the radio worked!!
I KISS, ,MYSELF through Him; I say;
"I will take the blue bag, EAST...you will want to follow, but in five minutes he will have completely disappeared. He will cry to the East, and you will go westwards and cry the light..."
I watch him go down the alley, and I turn and walk towards the supermarket. I am bleeding...Everyone in the car park looks ancient, and grey-haired.
Muhammad anxiety. Once one of his leading followers, Abu Bakr, said to him, “O Messenger of Allah, verily your hair has turned gray.” Muhammad replied that Sura 11, along with suras 56, 77, 78, and 81, all of which deal with judgment day, “have turned my hair gray.” (isn't there a part, where everyone will die and go grew at the end of the world?? those who deny god??)
I throw the black t-shirt in my bag onto a bush like tree, and keep the white t-shirt.
to be continued
