الأربعاء، 3 أغسطس 2011


I called God once. I went all the way through voices in Heaven. I've called quite a few times, I hear women, my friends, my family...all up in Heaven...most of the day, I'm in miracles, coloured lights, that are speech and each colour signifies emotion and soul...and usually it makes me weep, sometimes I'm well enough to talk to the kids, most times I use the madness to tell them I think I'm in Satan, then I shake and weep...but at the moment this:

I have a record I bought some years ago. It's heavy metal, 'an old school' type of record, songs about Thor, men with battle-axes going to war, wolves, mountains etc. Ozzy guests sings on one of the tracks.

I had completely forgotten that the first time I played this record, I had called God...I wanted something with a bite to play, my CD player hadn't been working well with any Cd's I put on, but this time, it managed to work, without showing up the error sign...I sat with my book on my knee, when track 6 lit up on the player, and stared at the red number,

Track 6 began as a garble, and continued un-intelligibly all the way through, it squeaked, it destroyed any type of instrument, it flashed forward, jumping, and squealing, faster, and faster, some of the noise went upwards, all of it scrambled, no vocals, like a strange language, I would have to think over and try to translate.

I guessed that it was God's speech, God, with a type of brain that can think at astonishing speeds, and that has thousands of thoughts at once...a type of computer mind, bringing out lists of numbers which make words, and control everything in the universe.

I'm sure, track 6 only does this on my copy of the record.

I jumped to the first thing, i could think of to hear, a deep wrathfull man's voice said:

"You will never become Law."

I quietly began to die a little, because I've entered Law, in Islam and in Jewish stuff, and that is mostly a correct observation, in that I don't effectually have any religious law...then I decided, No, this can't be God.

I went for a short walk, to buy soup and chocolate, the soup for my preparation for Ramadan which began August 1st...I listened to the record as I walked...there was another voice, it was a lighter girls' voice, it was sweeter, the words were sweeter, it was my 'japanese girl' the voice of my own personal Boddhisatva...I chose a woman's voice, because I would love that more than I could a wrathfull man...God is sweeter, than any type of Law, the Law is different, holier, wiser, easier...I repeated the sentences, one I remember only and most of was:

"Do not be afraid of going to War..."

I remember more, right now, and I will write them down:

"I will fight in soul, we will become One..."

and in the scramble of track 6:

"Sought me, Sought me, sought me...."


I began Ramadan in a flash, all alone, I looked up the date and saw a picture of soup and dates, I went out and bought them...I woke up a 5 in the morning August the 1st, and bowed, I said a little of Al-Ikhlas...I bowed again, wanting to talk, I saw dark green, black and blue, I left the room, without listening, I don't listen, and I'm rather sick of it, the plan had been to be completely alone, and think of nothing while I drank soup, also to taste dried dates which wasn't an appetising thought, I put three on my plate for afters, and nibbled through just one which eventually tasted quite nice...I tidied up half of my room, the next day and found my Salah, my four previous prayers were now; null and void. I washed my face and snorted water up my nose, which felt tickly and made me laugh...washed my arms, left the water dripping freely to dry...read through the complete ritual of prayer...it was a long list of long sayings to repeat in just one sitting...

I picked a corner of the room, and stood with my hands next to my ears, said:

"Allahu Akhbar!"

I said: Protect me from Satan!" ("I've been in a lot of Satan...")

Went through; Al Fatihah quietly, with hands over my belly, swore once, over a long list of other sayings...then stood bending over, unable to get my head to line up with my knees, then;  prostrated, looked at the book in my right hand, from the floor, and said:

"Sabhannna Rabbayil A'laa..." this is to be said three times, got confused about where to put my left foot (under the thigh) and realised I hadn't bowed on my toes...stood up again and did that properly...and then very quickly, gave up and turned round on the floor, to go back to the other book I was reading...

That was at Asr, and that was the only time I prayed that day, I was in a car at seven...and then grumpy at night-time...something about being at Mum's meant obeying mum's Law, especially, obeying, by eating duck and hoison pancakes at 8 o'clock, and chocolate at night...it's nearly Asr, again, and I don't want to, because I've kicked myself down again...despite deciding to actually go through my own Adhan...

Which I've let 'out of the bag' now...and maybe that's affecting something...

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