...She watched me at night, she was 10, I was 8...I had a collection of Narnia, the Hobbit and Lord of the Rings books, that I read in my room until past bed-time. She said:
"You have to sleep, because you have school."
"School is horrible, because they are bad."
"If they hate you, we are dead..."
"I hate dead. Sleep..."
In the playground:
"You are skanky mongs!!"
"You are stupid! That lady says dead!! She says 'baby'! Baby is bonks!!"
I was bullied continually, by a choir boy, it was getting to me that he sat in front of me, and never stopped, at home Mum annoyed me with you, "you fancy him, you fancy him..." I started going nuts, really weeping, unable to work, wearing odd socks, and hating my new a-line skirt which I had to pull down to cover...the only person that was good to me was the nun, the head sister...we made autumn leaves paintings, she went nuts at a boy, I thought I would die, mine were orange and purple, she was overwhelmed...she loved them...sometimes we watched her from outside the boys toilets, grabbing a boy by the shoulders, and shaking him and shaking him, til his head wobbled, and he started to cry...I stopped having friends, and stayed with the choir-boys dinnerlady mummy, holding her hands...she died young...
she giggled about school..."They are Thank, and you said, I hate believing in God, you thought Evolution was wise. I like God." I argued with the Christian teacher, and wanted to explain how the world appeared, her argument was to make us try and recreate the world using sand and glue on paper, I said she was stupid, but I love her, that day I got whacked for using another girls eraser. She giggled; "You are dead! Stop crying, that girl is pig..." When she got ill we cried..."She is dead, she has got cancer." She watched me pray and she sang, and giggled, "You said; Gold lights...I saw Heaven, it has gold lights..." I couldn't see, and I couldn't hear.
She heard; "She will be free in light, and the leukemia will go..."
She would kiss my forehead, as I slept.
Yesterdays Memory: Nanny loved my were-bear, it was yellow, and had adujustable jaws, showing teeth, or being cute, I kept it cute, except when I wanted to fight, it came with a story on cassette, the story was terrifying, I'd play it and scream, it had a "Holy Flag, because it's green and white...like Nanny's Indians...Nanny said our flag..."