Staying in Hashem is full of tears, literally, image-allerelly, I could not cope with the weeping. I had to make a face of him, so the face is like a martian, kinda whiter with no hair on his head, like the little brahim whose feet were washed by Krishna,
And so I leave Hashem well alone.
I'm not as bad. Just; not as clever.
I struggle to memorise simple arabic verbs.
I got it down! After being in and out, for a week. I've got a new head, it can go out walking and remember what it's read. Naktub, Yaktubuunna, Taktubuuunna Present tense plural, Yaktubna, Taktubna.
I repented the day after Eid Muburak, someone was having a party across the road, playing loud Indian music, and then repeating some European pop-hit with heathen words, obviously.;; obviously stupid heathen words.
I didn't come back to my own knowledge.
I just relaxed.
I didn't want to be seen praying, so when I prostrated in the dark I hummed, and crawled around looking for a pen on the floor.
I sat on stairs outside in the sun, and screwed up Fatihah and Ikhlas.
So I went and washed and got the Koran down from the top of the wardrobe, where it mixes with my notes and the other Korans.
I sat in front of laptop with book on knees. I stuck up an old list on the wall with a flyer of a camel going across the desert, covering a decade - old pencil drawing of a girl in a cloak, hair flying in wind, Exodus scribbled across.
I sat with the Koran on my knees, and spoke to Hashem.
In minutes, well, seconds are minutes to me. I asked for forgiveness. I didn't expect anything.
I swore when I got an answer.
The book became covered in a starry SILVER LIGHT. SO MANY WORDS.
I could see so many words in the parts of the little glitter stars. And without.
Any Black Magic, or Evocations,
Two very, very, thin silver arms, with silver hands, grasp the book, opposite me, holding onto the book that I held.
"I don't want to hear you..."
"I can't hear you..."
What I thought was Koran was Death. I didn't understand the words. I didn't like myself. I was dead.
So, I made an effort to hear something;
"THIS BOOK IS BEAUTIFUL...AND YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL."
I went outside to smoke. Trying to make something tell me all the words, but refusing to listen.