Visions

His arms were lifted in beatific slumber, hair like curl waves, long and black, he sang one hundred and three songs. He was in dark blue, medium height and thin. Estactic sleep. Dance.

٧. إسمي الرابأ بحر ...أل بأرجل!من أل  صابه ، تجهد ما سلام ...علي خمسة يوم ...واليد خير !

!!.okay so no further in knowledge....2 years!!!.

The Chunk

When I escaped the building I ran to the next eon, eons (One), something as Eons, Forever, The End of Time, there was: a devotion to Allah. At 17; and kitchen tables.

"Sweetie? ``Who (;mix; How) are you?"

"Allah has told me it is the end of the world."

"Sweetie do you want a cigarette?"

"They are Hell and I will fight." normal teenage problems. 

I was convinced in a hashish smell-aura, that I would become muslim. At 17. I wore a green cardigan, made of real sufi-wool, and it had a hood, I wore the hood. I painted thick kohl around my eyes. I swore heathens would die. 

I rushed to the house in search of some shelter. For the soul. This was in the middle of my visions. 

---

The "gothic man",  known as a friend of uncles...for his marijuana sharing meetings. Where my cousin, lived in a dark brown room, with one wall, racked up in small and smaller cages of rats and mice. 

They were being used for breeding experiments, interests in genetics. One spectacular pie-bald was the mother of albinos. Pie-balds were special. Because they were dominant-recessive.

Well, the big goth was there. 

"And his like in his forties, with no job, and smokes losers."  In the kitchen, the huge goth, with long dyed black hair in a ponytail, and the build of a monster. Huge shoulders, and just;

"Wide, and F****ing Satan."

When I walked into them in the kitchen, I felt the highest murder, but I yearned for him, to explain to her, what was happening to the universe, why it was in my soup, why I was flying through a different time to everyone else. Why only these visions mattered, and that we were murdered, burned. That the whole Armageddon, was Now. High Love. HArd to Write down, in a spurious type of mood like this.

Writing like this is weak. I turn childish or devilish, when so and so is concerned. 

Mummy was dead, ..."because they hide behind those brown curtains and smoke. This amazing drawing of demons said Help. I am going to sing you to prayer..." 

 The damn giant, was short, but he took over the whole room.

And, she was having sex with someone too big!

What in HELL, is this bitch????!!! Are you shagging??? She is tiny!!! NO, no, my lover is in hater, too evil....

---

I was so high, I was inside the End of the World. I stared at the Chunk, at my kitchen table chair. At turned to the kettle. 

I looked at, two ;

Pot Nooodles:

"Sweet and Sour, Sweetie, or Chow Mein."

I sensed evil in that sentence. (Look this was more serious, than my writing.)

"He is Sweet and Sour. You see Hell, I fight It. I want no more Hate." 

"Have some soup."

I sat in my chair. For Hours. I stared and stirred the vegetable soup.

Arthur Dent. The Universe. 

I told the Chunk:

"God is in this soup. This is the Holiest, The entire World killed, and we have left nothing. This soup. "

We can Save. We can Save.

Being in this vision, is like, The Entire.

I can't explain, the complete immersion into God. Air is different, Sky is dead. Love is High.

Everything has meaning. Every single tiny word or action, is in God, or in Hell.

"You've taken her! You've taken, My White Queen! Black MAN!!!  Why is this HIM??? Why??? Where is Love???!!! Never Never!!

Never! Never! We will ALL HAVE HELL!!!!

We are DYING. Queen!! Queen!! A Foul Demon!!! Black THING!!!

"The End of the World is Lord. We have Falling-Heathen. We will Fell. we will all go, we are fate, we are low, we have heaven, we have to fight hell, ...

Father Muhammed, 

I will Join. I love Islam, I have a wife, she is a nice woman, she listens and laughs. She kisses. I am happy to Love. Islam is Wisest.

---

He chanted, eyes closed, thin arms, and round hands lifted above his face, dancing on solid ground. He sang a hundred songs to Lord. He made magical music. Long curling black waves. His Inglaterra was fire stars!! He sang THANKS!!! He joyed in dancing. He was letter after letter.

---

All that staring into the make-up of the Universe, suddenly i have you in my hands, I am giant, I hold the atoms, and the stars, I can't eat, I can't touch. But I'm carrying the Beginning.

Dear Father. 

We need to fight. I think the Devils win. I seek Light. I am Happier in Him.

---

Someone, some giant man, touched her!! Too big for her body!!! All is black, you both wear black to hate. 

---

Dear Nanny, I know You are Mother. I am hoping to fast, I like it. I do it, because I am poor, but I buy vodka. I think Holy. Cheese and Bread is my Portion. I will light girls, and sing Heaven.

---

There was a bad time flying on a train from Inner London to the Suburbs. FATHER!!! FATHER!! FIGHT!!!! THE RAPE MEN HELLLLPPPPP!!!.

His long curled waves of black hair, had been cut a little, he was on the seat next to me. Gazing into a girl's face. He face was beautiful, she lowed like a shy horse, he stroked her hair. Nanny Khadijah, has a face with a scar. It is an old and deep scar, that goes across her jaw, down her cheek. They didn't hear me. I didn't sigh, I was insane. I took to a war. But left them happy.

'Hey Louis, I'm Michal, I've bought new records, I see you like soul, I am His. Vhat do you think of this??'

"Oh, I love this man so much! I won't answer! Let him talk!'

Chinese Girl

It began when I sighed, I said in Cantonese;

'Give me this Holy Love, and give me wise, I love his soul, this is holy love...'

She would watch me. She was a ghost.

She would walk into my room, where I was bedridden, look at the floor, and say;

'Pretty woman, they are cool...I am cool too...my name is Dai Mu, I love you...'

She stayed beside my bed for weeks.

She wept.

She was a ghost, at 25,
----

She was tiny. I found her, I drew her, she had long curly hair and a beautiful face, she looked angry, like she hated the english man...

The first night she saw me, she laughed, she said; 'Look at little happy!! She is sexy!!'...

When she saw me, she laughed...'I think I am naughty for want you...I am know man, and they kill you!'
When I listened to Nick Drake's Pink Moon, with him, and sat throughout the whole album, crying...she wept. I spoke, I said to him;

'I love you!'

She said;

'I love you too! But don't talk him for want!! He is so sick, he will kill!!!!!!!! Give men baby, and you kill!!!!!!!!!'

She would SOUL me, he would look from his eyes, and I saw bed so much, when I said; 'Look, chinese boy, we're soul...' she screamed; 'HE sex soul!! He has sex my soul!!!!!!!!!'

...I left her the drawing...she was stunned...'Does this mean she loves me?'...and then, she tickled, 'You say I am Dai Wu, because that woman have little bed, I am Dai Mu, it mean't I look at you...'

She followed me to the canal, she was flying through the air;

'MY HAIR IS BLUE!!! MY HAIR IS BLUE!! I AM DAI MU, LOOK AT YOU!!!'

I said; 'I want him.'

'I want him too!! I want him to dead!!!'

at 25, she was 63
----
When I was dead, and tripping out;

She said; Run, she said, yes, Chinese speaks!! You say, Give His...run from sick men, and get in my bed!!'

Chinese Boy

I was sooooo in love...in love with the chinese guy...I saw him dressed in black at my schoolfriends house...

His Mummy drove us to a party, and said;

"You are soooooo pretty..." I was wearing a little mascara, and I was shocked...

he arrived a house party one day...

I was smoking cannabis regularly...

He was so very tall; 6'4...big nosed...half cast...very tall...so dark he looked Indian...

We hosted parties every Friday night...it was me, that invited every kid, every guy I saw, to come round our HOUSE...

He was the sickest thing...grabbing his crotch...eating messy takeaways...dribbling the food around his mouth...i thought it was comedy...

He talked...about wars and about music...he had handsome dark eyes...

"What do you think of this?? You haven't got an opinion..." I wanted him, I wanted him

I wanted to get closer to God...I wanted to kiss him, he called me Buddha girl, he'd follow me into the garden, where I sat thinking and smoking...he would visit in the day time while my boyfriend was at work...he would give me looks, I said; I love you, I love you...

He wouldn't wash...I said;

'Let him stay here...let him shower...' I cook, but I don't eat, I give him my plate of foo, noodles, sweet sour, eat chinese I like chinese...

He hates Oriental girls...'We would walk the streets, drive round in his car...he got into my favourite band, he played guitar like a King, it would sooth me, it was played through love, his love was sick, he would practice, but when it arrived in the HOUSE, it became fuller....the guitar killed me...it was always the guitar, I hated drummers, give me guitar forever...' What do think of that girl, what do you think of her?? I say, I don't look...I love you..'

Things started to get spooky I was getting too stoned...I wanted to leave the house...there was a book with a swastika left neatly in the doorway of the spare room by the hallway...I started to turn...

I wanted him, and wanted him, He liked PJ, he liked PJ Harvey's face

The parties were high, I began unable to cope, got pissed and fell into bed at ten...I tired one line of coke, he hated drugs...and there was a smoke machine in the back room, with bright UV lights spinning round...the girls said;

If you want him! God!!

"Susie Boobs, Susannah Boobalah!! Hey my little boobalah!!" I'd holler as I ran down the stairs, "Welcome to my party!! Girls I Love you!!" said; He's sick, if she wants him we're dead...(my sister) Why do you tell her he is HIS?? He is fucking sick!!!!!!!!' They didn't tell me...I began to have nightmares about the white men that visited the house, like, 'Hey have you got a fiver, for this cocaine...?' The paratrooper, was my hangout guy, he'd get in early from working the bins, and we'd watch films, and share joints...the paratrooper hit a boy in northern Ireland with his rifle butt...I went insanely Irish, I swore I was the little Irish horse they wanted dead, the 'filly'...I was bossy, hysterical, he arrived one day, wearing I lvoe Ireland, t-shirt, he was never clean, he stank, but he talked, and he talked..

I began to dream, when he played me a Nick Drake album, I cried and cried at every song, I wanted him to look, we hung around for hours, I was thought he was sure too...I wanted to kiss...

I kept reading white power sites...I kept thinking...We can go...we can run away from the white men in this house and we can have God!!I said, we could go to the family, meet your sister and parents, and get married!!! He said;

'The chinese hate jews...' you say she is boobalah, and she is a slag, you say boobalah, yiddish bitch, and you tihkn you made it up, her boobs are slag...
'My mum is chinese, and she hates jews...' So, I said;

'Then you love jews...'

He said; 'Mum says your blood is I am coolies, from the paddy fields...'

I said; 'Then, she is a little crazy...'

One day, we went to the canal...it was the brightest day I have ever seen, the sun was so magical, it was like a pink pathway to the water, the grass was greener, the day was cool...we walked past white girls, who seemed to agree with what I wanted, magical love, I had one little joint, we sat on the banks of the canal, the feeling got higher and higher, his hair

turned dark blue with light blue highlights
...I tried touching his hair, he whacked me like a fly and groaned get off...IT WAS ANGEL'S LOVE!!

After the canal, he took me to a resturant, I was soooooooo dead...I watched the family beside us, and cried to them for help, I was in tears because he kept shouting, EAT THE FISH EAT THE FISH...the family, looked like angels, they looked at me, and shone with light,

I began dribbling, and crying and crying, I couldn't hold my love, and I cried, I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU...I said;

I was the soul of Chinese, 'You are the man who killed me dead...' I see a chinese girl in my soul, and I need love...

We pay for the food with vouchers, a seedy looking man covered in tattoos and grease, smiles at me from the corner...I begin to see everything in dead...I no longer have control, and my free will was given up long ago, I looked at him like a muslim brother...but, he is bringing stranger men to the house...and my boyfriend is nuts, he is downloading Nazi bands, so I tell the chinese boy, we will be dead...I said I liked the band, but I didn't know why, he is right to call me a bitch..."But I hate this man and I think he hurt, I want you to leave, you must leave in this band...I am nay far right, I am a liar..."

I had to get out of the house, I am madly in Love with him...'the white men will kill us dead, if they find out about us, we are dead!!!'they were going to kill both of us for being in Love, because he was Asian...and now he had a cheap car, we could fly...I tried to wake him up at night, he swore, we could go, ready to go anywhere...that was the night I sat in the car and broke down...;

When I came back, from the mental hospital, I wne tback to my boyfriend, because I didn't know what else to do, I tyed myself to him like a husband, but I hated him, I would never eat, smoke his bags of weed, listen to him moan and then give me another bag before he went to work, and watch him eat...

I began to see, I hated the chinese boy for looking at PJ Harvey, he was wanking her, and she was mine!!!!! I saw me back in death, so I stayed in my bed...
to be continued
WHAT HAPPENED, IN THE HOUSE, THE NIGHT I LEFT...
2003; We have become corrupt. The children are called, Love, King and Him. Love is Gold skin, King is a purple child...Him is so bright, he looks light blue, but this blue is higher love, the colour shines so bright, it can kill the soul...Any man who looks into that light, kills himself. It is Allah souls.

2003; I am soul. It takes five years to realise the truth. A car is parked outside, it looks like it belongs to an acquaintance of mine. I'm in the garden. I have planted the car there three hours before. I have been wide awake and smoking marijuana for five days. Time spins out of control. I cry I am pregnant, I keep sweeping the entrance to the back door, I vomit all over the doorpost. Cars are spinning round and round the front of the house, I can see only white women in the car, shouting and pleading with me to leave. I have been see-ing images in the bedroom curtains, a heavily pregnant Egyptian woman. I have been in bed for months. I look out of the window, and see myself, dressed in her black and lilac waterproof jacket. The night before I sit in the car in the alley, with the keys, crying and smoking a joint, the car is full of buttons in the dashboard, I have found a gold watch, the hands of the watch spin backwards, so fast that I drop it and it smashes on the ground. The car is my time machine, it's my HG Wells. I think of the hairy men underground I think of the stupid blondes in the forests. I am the time traveller, the book reminds me of the wars. I leave the car.

I've fallen on the ground in the hallway. I'm having hideous visions. Now; I can hear a girl dying, I begin to pray, I go to the garden because of the noise in the house. I always keep my prayer quiet, sometimes I wear a doppa. I realise the girl is me;

"The Goyim, the goyim..." (On Planet Emelbert, Matishi's are being killed by an evil government known as the Goy-im.) There are three men in the house.

I remember the silver car. I'm shoeless, I have with me a little pink and white rucksack, I open the passenger door. There is a Chinese-Russian looking man in the car. I call him Buddha, I'm hysterical, I can't speak any kind of language, I jump up and down like a monkey trying to communicate with the radio, I switch it on and off. He is patient, he smiles. I call him 'Buddha.' He has deep watery brown eyes and a clean clear round face.

I'm in my parents garden, I'm working magic. I've planted myself as a man in the car, I follow my visions, I say yes, the radio worked!!

I KISS, ,MYSELF through Him; I say;

"I will take the blue bag, EAST...you will want to follow, but in five minutes he will have completely disappeared. He will cry to the East, and you will go westwards and cry the light..."

I watch him go down the alley, and I turn and walk towards the supermarket. I am bleeding...Everyone in the car park looks ancient, and grey-haired.

Muhammad anxiety. Once one of his leading followers, Abu Bakr, said to him, “O Messenger of Allah, verily your hair has turned gray.” Muhammad replied that Sura 11, along with suras 56, 77, 78, and 81, all of which deal with judgment day, “have turned my hair gray.” (isn't there a part, where everyone will die and go grew at the end of the world?? those who deny god??)

I throw the black t-shirt in my bag onto a bush like tree, and keep the white t-shirt.



to be continued